This has been an extraordinary few weeks for me. I decided before my ent left, that I would devote my time while he is away, to doing some inner work. It has been quite the journey these 3 weeks past. I have been working on a few things simultaneously

I have many issues that seem to be haunting me, things from my past that I cannot seem to let go of with any permanence. Hurts and petty occurrences that pop up, even after I thought I had laid them to rest. I am reading a few books to help me on my journey and they have been most illuminating. Facing issues squarely, taking responsibility for my part in these issues, forgiving all involved(including myself) then releasing it all to the universe. I have actually made progress (Yea me!) and I have a bit to go.

Of course, still working on my own self acceptance and self worth(My ex being one of the issues I need to work on for all the emotional abuse he put me through). I am making progress (of which I am very proud..it has been a long, hard road!)

Part of my inner work has been doing outer work(ie cleaning and organising like I never have before.)I have most of my closests done, my little apartment is just so pretty and cozy. A true sanctuary for me.(I am not dirty, but very messy...I was Oscar to my mama's Felix! )

I have been cleaning and organising at work as well. *smiles* Mostly because I finally moved! HUZZAH!! I had so many years of accumulated paperwork (pack rat that I am), and as I moved from a place with 5 cabinets to a room with NO cabinets I had a TON of cleaning out to do!(I don't throw anything away at work in case some one needs it...I finally realised that if nobody had asked for anything from 1999 - 2004 they weren't going to, so I ditched it all! Boy...what a relief! However an even BIGGER relief is not having to deal with the she beast any more! I can't tell you what a wonderful day I had today, my first full day in my new office. What a pleasure it was, I just can't tell you!

Another thing I have been dealing with is finances. *chuckles* And who hasn't? It has really cost me several nights sleep and the stress from worrying about them was making me ill again. One night about a week and a half ago, I was wrestling with it again, and all of a sudden, out of absolute no where, a thought came to me. I have the money for everything I need. Maybe not for what I want, but for what I need. I have enough money to meet my bills and for the couple of little things I allow myself(Like my internet connection and Net flix.) I am very blessed in this respect and as such...I need to bless my finances instead of worrying so much about them. the moment I thought through this idea, I felt as if a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I had THE best night's sleep that I have had in forever and have slept very well ever since.

I told some friends about my epiphany and I got two differing ideas regarding from whence this idea came. One friend said it came from whatever deity I believe in, be it God, Goddess or the Universe. Another dear friend told me that my attitude is shifting as I work through things. I think it is a combination of both. I wasn't asking for help as I was trying to work through it myself, feeling like a dog chasing it's tail....this circular way of thinking wasn't getting me anywhere. Then BOOM! it came out of the blue clear sky,

I had to laugh tonight as I REALLY read a horoscope for myself dated about a month ago, that I have posted on my bulletin board, as it was so very right on this time! It says:

"Why keep pushing yourself so hard, when what you really crave is within? Start working on your sense of self~acceptance before anything else. Move gently. Soon you'll see corresponding shifts in your outward life."

So life has been good lately despite missing my ent so much.With my new view on things, I had what I needed to get my car fixed, so I am mobile again! HUZZAH! It is soo cool not to be stressing over things as much. Not to mention, I am watching less TV, which is not hard as everything is in reruns and I don't have cable. I was able to get to the pool today for some much needed peaceful, quiet, alone time and exercise,(people let their children run crazy at our pool...running, screaming, yelling and jumping. I love children, but I will not go to the pool when there are people there.Therefore I don't go often!) Also, now that I have my little car back, I can go to the park and start walking in the evenings after work. Baby step improvements...in a few important areas. Life really is good!

Love, Light and Laughter!
Ame

This is a bittersweet morning, as I sit here and contemplate this empty page. I have been awake since 4:00 and up since 5:00 which is going to make for a very long day.

I had a really good day yesterday. Most everyone I know was having a difficult time crossing that bridge from holiday Monday to working Tuesday(pseudo-Monday). I had a surprisingly great day! It was made even better, when late in the day I was given the go-ahead to make arrangements to move into my new room at work. No more she beast to contend with in a very short while. (I have SO much cleaning and downsizing to do, I am moving into a considerably smaller area with no cupboards. A daunting task, but I am well up for it...believe me!)

I spent hours on the phone with my ent last night and he called me at 4:00 this morning to say goodbye. He is being deployed this morning and will be gone for 3 months, incommunicado except for rare emails, he just found out he could send from underneath the ocean. I miss him already. I know it sounds silly, but I have saved some of his voice mails on my cell and my answering machine, so I can hear his voice when I feel lonely for him. I have all the stories he has written for me, so I can feel him near me.

It is going to be hard, as we have talked every day and every night for over a year (except during his previous tour from October to January.) I am so happy we had our time in March and look forward to his return in August. We have two weeks planned to spend together and that is what we are both focusing on to get us through this long hot summer.(well, hot for me anyway)

I am going to use this time to do some inner work. Let go of old hurts and relationships, work on my self acceptance and self empowerment. I have set goals and am working on planning rituals and gathering the tools I will need.  I will incorporate  meditating, journaling, exercising and eating healthier, writing stories, crafting, cleaning out and organising my apartment, getting rid of things I do not need, both in my apartment and in my life.

I look back over the last several years and I am amazed at how far I have come, how much I have bloomed and grown. I can feel another blossoming at hand and this time I will have a hand in it. There is so much I want to do and I am so grateful I  have the time to delve and explore and create. How exciting is that!

Now it is time to focus on my day and prepare for it. A clean slate, a new day, ripe with possibilities. I am very blessed!

I wish you for a warm, fulfilling, wonderful day!

Love, Light, and Laughter,
Amethyst

Well, I became proactive in my life and spoke with my supervisor about the possibility of moving into another room in my office. I don't know how much longer I can keep working with the beast woman. I told her that this persons CONSTANT negativity is poisoning me. I can accept the fact that she talks about me behind my back...I could care less, but she talks about one of the sweetest women I work with as well and other people that she talks with on the phone(One of the girls she ALWAYS makes fun of has a lisp she cannot help...and this beast woman always imitates the lisp so meanly). Often disparagingly, maliciously, ALWAYS negatively. I have known her four years and have never heard her say one nice thing to or about anybody. On the plus side, she was told to be quieter by my supervisor(since HER supervisor is her best friend...so WON'T do anything to reign her in). YES! So it has been a little better these last couple of days.

I can't work in an atmosphere like that any more. I deserve a relatively stress free work environment.( The job itself provides enough stress, thank you very much...and I expect that *LOL*) ANYWAY, I am waiting with bated breath to see if I am worth going to bat for after 17 years of dedicated service. I HATE the idea of having to start over.*Sighs*

On the upside, after last week which was just so horrid, yesterday and today were pretty good! I was actually in a really good place today and am more positive than I have been in a while. I made plans with two very dear friends for girl's day out Saturday. We are going to have brunch and go see "The Da Vinci Code". I am so jazzed. I have rather turned back into the hermit I was last year and I don't want to do that again. I am NOT missing out on my life again darn it! Even IF my car isn't running at this particular time and I don't have the money to fix it.

I am so very much in a SARK mood, I think I will be starting with her first book (again), "Succulent Wild Woman". Time to have a SARK fest and I deserve it! Then I will have my day with my Wild Succulent Friends on Saturday. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Well, half way through the week...heck, halfway through the month...WOW!Amazing!

Even more amazing( and I guess it shouldn't be, but it is sweetly so)is that my Ent is on the phone for our nightly bedtime chat, so I bid you a fond adieu.

Brightest Blessings,
Ame

 It is a lovely day out, though already too warm for my taste. How I have survived 19 years in the high desert (at anywhere from 100-120 degrees during the summer),when I am such a water baby is beyond my ken! (Pisces sun with cancer moon! I am so a fish out of water...*giggles*)

I spoke with my Ent until 2:30 this morning(which explains why I am getting such a late start today. *grins*) I hate to wish my life away, but August(when he returns from sea)seems like an eternity away...and he hasn't even left yet. *pouts*

Just finished my laundry, *ugh*... I may go out for awhile just to get out of my apartment. We'll see.

Brightest Blessings,

Amethyst

Happy Weekend everyone!

I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. Please be sure to do at least one thing that makes you happy and brings you joy.

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst

Yesterday was…………better. I am still trying to think about what I did to make it better, but whatever it was she annoyed me a little less yesterday than she normally does. I made a point after I had finished the mail and before I left the little room where I process the mail, to envision myself surrounded by an egg shaped bubble, pearlescent, I envisioned this protective shield as able to block her {and other negative influences} from me. (I have done this before and it almost always seems to work! I just got to a point whilst I was not feeling well, where I did not’t do it and boy do I notice a difference when I don’t). I was able to ignore her for the most part and my attitude was much better yesterday(with a couple of small exceptions). It is something I will continue to do until I can figure out something else.

It was a mixed day today. I did not feel well the first part of my day and I am thinking perhaps I need to see that specialist after all. I will give it the weekend and then see how I am feeling Monday. I tried really hard today, but I think perhaps because I was not feeling well, she got on my nerves even more than normal (If that is at ALL possible). After eating lunch I felt immeasurably better and the rest of the afternoon passed much more quickly and a wee bit more pleasantly than the morning and early afternoon did. ( I was running very late this morning and had donuts, juice and milk for breakfast. I did not’t start feeling better until I had some protein for lunch…a coincidence? I’m not sure, mayhaps so.)

My favourite doctor gave me the cutest card today as well as the most beautiful gift, as a thank you for some work I did for him over the last couple of weeks. I actually cried. The gift is a hand woven wool and mohair throw in soft pinks and purples, from Ireland. {He knows it is my heart's dream to visit ...if not life in Ireland/Scotland}I was just stunned when I opened the gift and so much more than I ever expected let alone really deserve. I am always happy to help him! However, it is a nice change to be appreciated for helping instead of fussed at or worse yelled at for doing my job. He is such a joy to work with. This last project was a big project, but one I enjoyed and he did not have to do what he did, but I am tickled that he did I wish the other 15 doctors I deal with would understand that they would get a lot more our of me willingly if they smiled and said please and thank you. AND if they would not take it out on me when I give them something they DO NOT want to do… Like calling other doctors. We are a referral based radiology centra, which means that we essentially work for the doctors that refer their patients here for diagnostic testing. If there is a question on a report, they call to speak with the doctor that read that particular film. I, being the “Physician Liaison”, have the unfortunate position of connecting the outside doctors to my doctors. Unfortunately, my doctors HATE talking to other doctors(okay, not ALL my doctors, but better than half will fuss at me and sometime get downright nasty when I give them the report and phone number to return the call). (shrugs* Oh well, all in a days work I suppose. *smiles*

On a a more personal note, My Ent and I continue to draw closer, day by day and it seems an eternity before I get to touch him again. *smiles* We talk every night and when he is late calling, I feel bereft. I don’t mean that because I’m a jealous or suspicious person; that is so not me…I know he has a life away from us as do I, and I encourage him to go out with his friends and attend parties, but our nightly calls have become so deeply-rooted in my bedtime ritual, that I can’t sleep until I hear his voice, even if only for just a few moments. I discovered that he feels as I do, when on Monday night he called me after midnight after an extra long, extra arduous day, because he couldn’t sleep until he heard my voice. I was so profoundly touched when he told me that.

I have never felt so wanted, so needed……..so ……….loved…. by anyone in my whole life. It is so different than what I shared with my ex-husband. My Ent shares all of himself with me, my ex never did. Perhaps that was a result of the alcoholism. *shrugs*  All I know, is when he leaves me little love notes on my cell phone and writes stories for me, leaves me loving messages off line and calls me as I am going to bed, I feel cherished and that is a loverly feeling.

Brightest of  Blessings,
Amethyst

Well, I promised I would try and keep a record of my experiences on my journey. Little did I realise that my first lesson would be today and I have no idea how I am going to figure this out.

This morning I did a ten minute meditation which left me refreshed, happy and ready to face the day. I was in such a good mood.(Anyone knowing me knows that I have a horrible time with meditating, I can never calm my mind enough. I think I finally found one to start with until I can learn control and I was thrilled with how I felt afterwards.) Anyway, I got to work and I was all smiles. I knew I would face a challenge with the one person in my area that can upset me with just the sound of her voice. But I thought I was in such a good place and was keeping in mind the feelings I encountered during my meditation, that I could just tune her out. *HA*

The person I have problems with was in rare form today. I have always gotten along with most everyone I have ever met. Not everyone of course, but darn near everyone. There are very few people I can name in my lifetime that I just don’t like. This person is at the top of the list. While I don’t hate her, the word despise comes to mind. She is the most self-centered, selfish, self righteous, loud, rude, obnoxious person I have ever had the misfortune to HAVE to work with in one room. She cares for no one but herself, she is THE single most unprofessional person I have ever worked with. There have been a couple of times that she should have been fired over the way she spoke/dealt with patients and doctors, but for some reason, they always let her off with a warning. There are at least two other people in the area that we share that have as hard a time with her as I do. I spend the better part of my day under my headphones, but I can't turn the music up loud enough to drown her out without damging my poor sensitive hearing.

It is worse when she sits on my side of the room (As she is this week), as she feels she can sit and chat all day(and she has no volume control, her only level is LOUD). At least on the other side of the room, with the room divider between us, I can somewhat tune her out.

Well anyway, she started in pretty much as soon as I walked in the door and I valiantly worked at tuning her out and concentrating on all the beauty of the day and all my other friends and just doing my work. But she eventually broke through my hard won wall and I was frustrated, furious and just downright put out with her. It came to me in the midst of my fuming to myself, that she is a lesson I need. I have been studying the idea that I have control over how I react to a situation or person. That my thoughts create my reality. I understand that and have had a great deal of success in the past few months with changing my circumstances by changing my thought patterns. She is the one obstacle in my studies and applications. I get angry when hers is the first voice I hear when I walk in the door in the morning, because her voice is just that loud.By the time she leaves in the afternoon, my nerves are stretched as tight as a string on guitar.

So, apparently my homework is this....how do I change my perception of this person. How do I get to the point where her overall obnoxiousness doesn't bother me anymore. How do I learn to ignore her no matter what her decibel or obnoxiousness level? How do I maintain my own circle of happiness(I know I control that) and my tranquility without bowing to her every attempt(conscious or not) to be the center of attention and the end all and be all of our room. Such is my conundrum.

Overall, I am in a good place...I look forward to the answers and will apply them as soon as I find them or they find me.

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst 

Happy Mayday! Happy Beltane! Another month begins as time glides by at an ever more frighteningly swift pace. The only GOOD thing about that is, maybe the 3 months my Ent is at sea will go more quickly (of course we all know that the exact opposite will occur and this will be THE LONGEST summer on record). With the next Shadow Lane party in August and my two week (hopefully) vacation to see my Ent in September (if all the stars and planets align in our favour) I have plenty to look forward to in the early Autumn.

I am feeling somewhat better now. The pain has lessend and I can actually draw a deep breath without having to sneak up on it. I have given up on doctors (for the time being) as they have not been able to determine what exactly is causing the pain in my side. I owe so much money due to the all the tests,I don't even want to pay the 15 dollars to see the specialist.  I am trying some homeopathic remedies and had a reiki treatment on Saturday, both of which seem to be helping. I have an understanding of how my chakras are working(or in this case the couple that aren't) and know what I need to do to get them in working order. That should help with all sorts of things. *grins*

I also found out my third eye is closed and that there is a reason for that happening. I need to learn to know myself and the Goddess within before I can find her without. This is a totally daunting task, but knowing this explains so much I could never figure out. I have always been hesitant and fearful of discovering the real me...I know that much of what I know of myself is real, but so much more is  a facade I have put up over the years...from all the hurt and loneliness, even the the self abuse I commit, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I have talked with friends, as I am at a loss as to just what I need to do in order to get to know myself and ultimately love myself. We discussed journaling, meditating, really listening to and not running from my inner self, reading, and more reiki treatments. A new adventure as I purposefully settle down to explore and excavate the REAL me. I am scared yet exhilarated, shy yet determined. One of my dear friends that I have discussed this with told me that I would learn to love me as much as she does. She apparently sees more than I do and has seen the real me...I wonder where I was? *LOL*

In any event, I am going to work on keeping a more faithful journal of my journey. This is another beginning. As I take time to journey inwards I am also journeying outward, reconnecting with old and dear friends I have missed. Hey,  who knows, hopefully I'll connect with a new and dear friend, myself.

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst

My, it has been a while! I can't believe it is April already.....so much has happened. Some of it wonderful, some not too hot!

They caught the person who stole my car. Apparently he admitted guilt, because I did not have to go to court to testify.(Although what I could possibly have told them that they did not already know is beyond me). This past Thursday, he was sentenced. I was not required to be there, so I have no idea what he sentence was, but I am really hoping that I will be reimbursed for all the money I had to put out in order to get the car out of impound and get it back in running shape!

I went to my first Shadow Lane party in February as a birthday present to myself. I finally got to meet the wonderful people I had been chatting with for months from the site. I had the absolutely BEST time.(Who would have thought that my lifelong interest in spanking would lead me to make so many loving, warm and marvelous friends. Yes, I have a small kink...who would ever have thought it? *Grins*) I went trhough deep withdrawls for a couple of weeks and was thrilled to learn that the next party is in August here in Vegas again. HUZZAH!

In March one of my dearest online friends came to visit me. I call him my Ent (He is very tall and well built, solid like a tree). He is in the navy and  quite often spends months at a time at sea in a submarine. We hit it off the very first time we met online and our friendship grew by leaps and bounds over a very small amount of time. He is a kindred spirit and we are so much alike, it is almost scary at times. Our online chats segued into long, intense phone conversations. For two years now we have drawn closer and closer.

He went through a very bad time earlier this year, shortly after returning from his last sea tour. We spend HOURS on the phone talking and just being. My heart was breaking for him and all I could do was be there when he needed to talk. We decided that we wanted to see each other and he came for four, very short days. It was such an extraordinarly magical time. I didn't think we could have grown any closer and we explored places we had no intention of exploring. He is a spanking friend and with him, spanking is everything I had ever imagined and more.

When I returned home, my apartment  seemed SO empty and I couldn't believe how very much I missed him! We talked that night and have actually talked once or twice a night(more on weekends) since he left. Our relationship has deepend and I think about him almost to  the point of distraction. Much to my dismay, this shore leave is short and he will be shipping out for another tour in June, so unless we can plan a weekend in May, it will be autumn before I get to see him again.

Just after his visit I thought I had pulled a musclew in my right side. It hurt so badly to inhale, sneezing and hiccuping darn near flattened me, walking became such a chore as I had to go very slowly so I didn't lose my breath. Went to Urgent care and he gave me percoset....which didn't help expcet to make me so very sleepy. Started running a fever and I went to my own doctor, becuase it was cosnsostently 100.5-101.5 degrees for days.All I could do was sleep I felt so bad.

Over the past  3 weeks have had blood work, plain X-Ray films, two ultrasounds and 2 CT scans and nothing has been found. I see my doctor again on Monday and a Gastro specialist the following week. The pain persists, although it has eased up a bit. I have determined that the pain is not going to run my life and I am venturing forth again, I am going stir crazy in my tiny apartment and it is spring...The days are beautiful and I will NOT stay cooped up in my home...I'll go out, and just adjust. So THERE!

I have hooked up with another dear friend these past couple of weeks and we are going to attend the Las Vegas Celtic Gathering and Highland games tomorrow. I am so jazzed. I cannot wait! I get to see my darling friend and catch up as well as getting to see Celts in Kilts! HUZZAH!

Well that pretty well catches up the past 3 months. Time to try and clean my apartment since I have some energy. Happy weekend everyone and don't forget to do at least one thing this weekend that makes you happy.

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst

"There's only us, there's only this....
Forget regret or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today"
(RENT)