Happy Tuesday. I have been 54 since 3:45 am.  It’s now 5:30 and I have been up for an hour. I am wrapped up in the warmth of my ragged, much beloved bathrobe, my cat asleep by side, Classical music on my radio,a hot cup of sugar free cappuccino/Swiss miss cocoa, waiting to watch the sun rise.

I adore this time of day. I feel as if I have the whole world to myself for just a little while. My head is clear and it is easier to concentrate before all the chaos starts in my head. It is so calm ans peaceful and I am filled with quiet joy. I wish I could freeze this moment!

I have been thinking a lot about my post yesterday. I need to stop procrastinating getting busy with my healthy living. I’m pretty good with what I eat. Don’t over indulge too often, though I need to up my veggies again. I get lazy and I forget ….no excuses! I usually make my water quota and since I get up at 4:30 every morning, I make sure I am in bed early enough to get at least 7 hours of sleep if not 8.

My HUGE problem area…EXERCISE…movement….
NOT Sitting! Every day I think about it and yet everyday I do nothing about it. I cannot for the life of me figure out what my problem is! So looked back to my first blogs to try and figure out what sparked me way back when. Of course I knew without reading that I was jazzed about everything back then, I was ready to do whatever it takes to get healthy and lose weight. I was unstoppable back then. I flaunted my new lifestyle at work…told EVERYONE what I was doing and invited everyone to visit SP. AND…I lost weight! It seemed to come off so easily back then! *LOL*

Somewhere along the way, it became more difficult. Life threw me some curve balls (as it does everyone)…a bad bad bad relationship, and my little war with cancer being the biggest hurdles. I lost so much weight during my illness, but it wasn’t a healthy weight loss and as hard I as worked to keep it off as I recovered and started the long haul to getting healthy again, the moment my life threw me another curve, I gained it back and I have been fighting ever since.

Oh, the sky is beginning to lighten! *sighs happily* I can feel the shift beginning and I have butterflies in my tummy.

So here I am…back to my beginning weight, but not as devastated or disappointed in myself as would once have been. My new relationship with me has totally changed how I view things and myself. I’m giving myself an early birthday present… today I start from the beginning, go through the 4 stages again. Find that excitement, that determination, that yearning. 54 is going to be great ! I am going to celebrate it all year.

Now…Because dance was such a big part of my lifestyle change I thought I would remind myself of the list of some of the songs that made me wanna move! It is an eclectic list, but everyone of these songs makes my feet tap and my hippy hippys shake! *giggles*

Karma Chameleon~Boy George
Wake Me Up Before You GoGo-Wham
Morning Star~Blackmore’s Night
Get On Your Feet~Gloria Estefan
Best Years of Our Lives~Baha Men
Save a Horse(Ride a Cowboy)~Big and Rich
Rhythm is Gonna Get you~Gloria Estefan
That’s the Way (I Like it ) Dance remix~K.C. and the Sunshine Band
Me and my Gang~Rascal Flatts(I LOVE THIS SONG!)
Thetimeisnow~Brother
Honky Tonk Badonkadonk~Trace Adkins(Another Favorite!)
I’m Coming out~Diana Ross
Something More~Sugarland
Where the BlackTop ends~Ketih Urban
One Particular Harbor~Jimmy Buffett
When the Sun Goes Down~Kenny Chesney and Uncle Cracker
Saturday Night -The Bay City Rollers (Yes you read that right! *LOL* What can I say?)
Dancig Queen-ABBA
The Mystics Dream- Loreena Mckennitt (a cool down lovely song)
Rock and Roll all night- Kiss
Play that Funky Music – Wild Cherry
Don’t stop til you get enough- Michael Jackson
We will rock you-Queen

Okay those are all my songs for now….I break them up into various lengths and groupings to give my self some variety. I am always on the lookout for songs that motivate me so the list is every evolving.

I can do this. Today I commit myself to 10 minutes a day of dancing. It’s time to STREAK baby!! *LOL*

*smiles* Wow, it is 6:20 already. Almost an hour since I started blogging. I can see trees and clouds now, as night has bowed down to the wonder of morning. I think tonight I will watch as night cloaks my world…see if I can feel the shift in that as well.

Oops, Shade just dropped her favorite black twistie at my feet, demanding a game of fetch. Be back shortly!

Okay…have I mentioned I have the most wonderful cat in the world? She make me smile and laugh hysterically! I adore her!

Time for breakfast and to start my day. I’m heading out for my annual birthday visit to the Goddess Temple, maybe go visit my old office and friends, Go to the Luxor and see the Titanic exhibit, take my self to dinner and then spend LOTs of attention to my fur baby…and 10 minutes of dancing!

Brightest of blessings for a beautiful day!
Ame

I have always liked myself. I liked who I am, and I would admit it out loud. However, know what I noticed? No matter how much I liked myself, there was always a “but!” Oh I like myself, but my hair is too thin…of course I like myself, but I hate my double chin…Thank you , I like me too, but I really dislike my big tummy…big thighs…thick calves…etc. I was always unhappy with something or another. While I should have given myself unconditional love and support, I was my worst enemy. I know so many people(not just people who are trying to lose or gain weight) who suffer from the same problem. This kind of goes with the ” when ‘This’ happens, I’ll be happy” paradigm.

Now, I have noticed lately that I am more self confident, more sure of myself and really, truly comfortable in my own skin. It has been very gradual, almost imperceptible. However I knew deep down something was up. I haven’t been slouching as I try to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. I’m not fidgeting with my clothes trying to hide my tummy, I walk tall and have been smiling and laughing at work. I am much more able to be positive and contribute to my team and bosses. This sound strange, but I find myself caressing my belly, not ignoring and hiding from it.

These last couple of weeks have been very introspective for me. I have been processing a lot of new (for me) ideas and concepts, and rethinking old and oft times self-limiting ones. For the past few days I have noticed a subtle shift in my thinking and feeling. I have felt as if I was heading for something of great importance that would impact my whole life. Last night, very softly, very gently and with oh so much delight, I made a startling discovery!

I was getting ready for bed,changing into my pjs when I looked in the bathroom mirror. Instead of the cursory, usually dismissive glance at myself, I really looked myself over. My hair has gotten so long and a bit thicker, since the chemo, my eyes were not only smiling, they were sparkling! Aside from that nothing had physically changed; my belly is very large and round, my breast are heavy, my thighs very thick. In fact, I have not lost any weight after gaining again. Indeed, I am at my beginning weight from when I started SP in 2007. (I have lost weight but yoyoed until I reached this point . My body seems happy at the moment here, for it has not budged…but I digress)

What I have finally come to understand and realize is that I love myself…with no “buts!” I love my big belly, heavy breasts, and thick thighs! This is not to say that I don’t want to lose weight, because I very much want to, however, if for some unknown reason I don’t, I will still love me! Every inch, every pound, of me. I am a totally unique and exceptional individual! What I love about this, is that I am happy “NOW”, just as I am. Being “Thinner” is not going to make me happier. Happiness and joy come from within, not outside sources. There is absolutely no guarantee that when and if I reach my “Ideal” weight, I’ll be any happier than I am right this minute. Will I feel better physically, most assuredly; will I have more energy, you betcha; will I be able to do somethings that I can’t at the moment, abso-freaking-loutely! But I am giddily, giggly, absolutely, head over heels happy right this minute! I have totally embraced who I am, how I look and my sparkly, shiny spirit.

I think my only question is why now? Why couldn’t I have come this place when I was younger and had more time to enjoy it? Part of me believes I just wasn’t ready, for whatever reason. Maybe I am entering into the the beginning of the “Crone” cycle of my life. Maybe everything I have learned and whatever wisdom I have accumulated during my journey, has coalesced into this bright awakening. I like that thought. What ever the reason it waited until now to happen, I am so grateful for it.

I feel my journey has changed course a bit and new adventures are awaiting me. Whatever the Universe has in store for me I look forward to it with an open heart and open arms!

May you find the happiness and joy within yourselves!
Bright Blessings,
Ame

“There is always something to be happy about. Truly happy.

And if you have the audacity to find it and the courage to make it your focus, in spite of the countless temptations to dwell upon problems that don’t really exist, you will have learned well, your life will be transformed, and all things will be added unto you.

“End” game,
The Universe
“Notes from the Universe.” from TUT.com (Mike Dooley)

This is been a week of deep introspection, and lessons learned. I believe this is helping as I try to get back to my normal, cheerful, and sassy self. Finally gaining the courage to step on the scale, I find that I am at my beginning weight. Somehow, and I haven’t figured out why yet, this does not upset me. This is my jumping off point. I’m starting fresh.

I’m still mulling things over, but this is what I know. I am still working on weeding through my CLUTTER and I know this is playing a part in where I am at the moment. With so much chaos surrounding me outside, it’s hard to tame the chaos inside. I’m constantly distracted by the mess, even though I am making progress with it. Not only is it interfering with my emotional/mental inner work, it is not very conducive to my spiritual inner work.

This isn’t an excuse…it is a very real problem that I am working hard on, going through a lifetime of memories and “stuff” I have “pack ratted” away. Letting go is VERY hard and I’m half tempted just to throw away everything I have had packed away. If I wasn’t afraid of throwing away something important, I would just haul it all out to the trash. So I just soldier through.

As for more immediate and helpful lessons I have learned from experimenting: I discovered that even though 100% whole wheat bread has more calories than my 100% wheat sandwich thins, they are denser, fill me up better and last longer than the thins.

I have learned that usually no matter what I have for breakfast, I’m hungry within an hour or two. I tried something different this week. I had oj, southwestern eggbeaters, a morningstar prime griller patty and two pieces of whole wheat toast. I felt satisfied and didn’t start to feel hungry until just before lunch. Another thing that seemed to help was having some tea as I work in the morning. It keeps me feeling full longer.

I have committed myself to other little things in my quest to get on my feet again. When making my pb&j sandwiches, I won’t take anymore extra tastes of peanut butter as I am making and after my sandwich is made. Oh! And no more spoonfuls of peanut butter and honey, or syrup or nutella at night when I have the mega munchies!

One good thing about the tea is I am getting more water. I drink a lot of water, but I know I fall short at times.

I’ve discovered the “instant” oatmeal recipe in the Spark People cookbook so I can have a more nutritious oatmeal. It is so much better filling then the store bought, not to mention healthier.

I received my Spark People Blue cup and my WooHoo teeshirt! Woohoo! *LOL* I ordered the shirt in my current size and decided it is time I have a “Before” pic taken. My plan is to buy a new shirt ever few sizes to track my progress and have a pic taken. Just need to find someone to take the pic. I LOVE my blue SP cup! I may get one in every color.

I woke up in the best mood this morning! Lessons are sinking in and I continue to learn new ones. My favorite one thus far I’ve learned is from Lily on this week’s edition of Spark Radio. Lily and Karen were talking about how hard it is to get back into the positive thought patterns after over indulging. We all know that it’s so easy to spiral out of control once a negative thought and feeling show up. Now, for me, this is not only goes for food, but for everything mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Which is why it’s so hard at times to come out of the downward spiral. Negativity propagates insanely quick.

Lily discussed something she tells her clients when they stumble and start to spiral down. She tells them to do 1 tiny act of power, like 50 sit ups or going for a walk, just something positive!

As I am dealing with so many things in my life which all seem to bear down on me, I took Lily’s advice. I normally do my laundry on Sunday, in a routine rut don’t ya know. Anyway, I felt so good last night after work, I felt I needed to do something productive, so I did my laundry. It made me giddy with delight that it is done. I know it sounds silly, but that empowered me! So much so, that I had a bowl of cheerios with raspberries for dinner. Yes, that was an act of power as well. Friday nights I usually get fast food for dinner. So I kept my calories (and everything ) in range! Everything is interconnected; the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. That’s what I love about SP. It is not just about weight and fitness, it’s about life and how you choose to live it!

It is the little things, my friends! Tiny acts of POWER! Thank you Lily for that sublime advice.

Today my act of power is to empty 3 boxes in my living room and dispose of everything I don’t need, want, or doesn’t serve/inspire me any more. Who knows, perhaps I’ll do more?!
 

I have admitted to a lot today. Stuff that I have never admitted to anyone. Perhaps I feel I need to be more honest here amongst my family. Maybe I need to do this to take responsibility “Out Loud” as it were. *Shrugs* I don’t know…

Keep Moving forward!

Wheeeeeeeeee!

Ame

Hello and Happy New year! I have been gone for a bit. Went through a wee bit of a dark cloud for a while, still not sure what brought it about. My friend Everlearning thought it was holiday blues. It very well could have been. Even though I have spent Christmas by myself for the last several years and I handle it so much better now(I had a great Christmas day!), for some reason the days leading up to it were hard. It could have been my starting to review the past year and seriously considering my goals for the New Year. *shrugs* I have no idea, but I am back and I am raring to go.

“Our destiny changes with our thoughts; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thoughts correspond with our desires.” – Orison Swett Marden

I have set my yearly goals~I have been making positive signs to put around my home and desk at work, I have written everything down, started looking for pics and words for my vision board. I am jazzed, I am stoked, I am excited and more than anything else, I am determined! I reset my streaks and will see just how long I can go! I am going to (Spark) streak for a long time! *LOL*

I’m working really hard at changing my thought patterns! While I can be very positive and almost disgustingly upbeat (ask my non morning friends! *LOL*), I can be equally negative and oh so down! It drives me crazy! One of my first goals this year is to work on controlling, if not ejecting, the negativity from my thoughts. It won’t be easy, but I KNOW I can do it!

Goals this far:

Turn off the TV! No more having it on for noise or company. Unless there is some thing I really wish to watch, it is not going to be on. (This will be REALLY difficult for me, but I KNOW I can do it.)

“There is no failure except in no longer trying.”
–Elbert Hubbard

Everyday I will do some form of cardio for at least 15 minutes. Be it walking on the treadmill, dancing, walking in place when I do have the tv on, doing one of my DVDs. There is no excuse not to move during my day!

I am going to try yoga. I have a DVD of yoga for big girls(Along with the book) and I am going to see if I like it. I am going to give it a fair chance and not quit because I can’t do something the first, second or third time I attempt it…

I will be much more conscious of what food I bring into the house. I will consciously choose healthy food and will jut as consciously decide to have a small treat every now and then. I will avoid bringing into my home, my known trigger foods.

This is a good start and I am truly excited. I just the little while it has taken me to type this down, I feel optimistic and a sense of joy for doing something good and positive.

So now, off to have a bite of breakfast and attack my room. I have a whole other set of goals that are not health related, however I know I will most certainly reap the benefits of feeling mentally and physically accomplished and contented that I did what I set out to do! Everything is connected, isn’t it.

“The secret of success is constancy of purpose.”
-Benjamin Disraeli