I have settled in to my new home and I absolutely love it! I love looking forward to walking through the door and being where my heart & soul are happy and content. Life is moving forward and I am very much looking forward to what is around the bend!

Having worked through most of my anger issues that stemmed from my time with the people I left, it is amazing how much more buoyant and light I feel. I am smiling all the time now and my friends at work have noticed the difference! 

I am standing on the cusp of a most exciting time in my life. I am dancing towards fabulous 50 and I am so jazzed about. I plan to celebrate my birthday all year, beginning with a two week vacation which starts on Friday!! *LOL* At 3:45 tomorrow morning the celebration begins. On Saturday  friends and family from all over are coming to help me celebrate. Two of my best friends are getting married this weekend as well, so it is going to be a busy, love filled weekend!

Well, I need to finish getting ready for work. Here is to a beautiful day filled with joy!

Brightest Blessings,
Ame

Heaven’s! Where do I begin? I guess where I left off last time. I was happy…*smiles ruefully* That didn’t last long. The female roommate was a control freak and both of the guys were her lapdogs. She was ALWAYS right…even when she was wrong. She considers herself a psychologist and thinks she can fix any problems one may have. They may discuss things, but she ultimately has the final say. I refused to bend to her will. She thought I needed fixing. I love who I am and who I am becoming. Do I have flaws? Heck yeah! Am I perfect? A definite no! I’m not sure I even want to be perfect.

 

It got harder and harder to live there. My ex, instead of coming to me if there were problems of any kind, including intimacy; would talk with her, then SHE would talk with me. There were three people in this relationship and I came in second to her always. Yes, they are best friends and have known each other for years, but he always bowed to her “wisdom” over me. *shakes head* They have a definite lifestyle that works for them, but it did not work for me.

 

When I told them I wanted out, I knew I would be the bad guy. I told them on December 12…I moved out this past Saturday. It was THE most miserable holiday season I have ever spent. They changed the locks on me and I had to KNOCK to get in the house, and I could only be in the house if one of them was there.  All because I had a girlfriend come over and help me move a few boxes to the new place so I would have room to pack more boxes. I had to give them the names and contact numbers of all the friends who were helping me move. It was crazy!

 

However, I am in my own, lovely apartment now, working through the anger and stress of the past month. It is going to be a cozy, warm sanctuary when I am settled in and it is all mine. *sighs happily* I can cook my own food(I have not cooked in 7 months…it was her kitchen); I can watch TV anytime for however long and WHATEVER I want. I can now have my friends over and play to my hearts content. (The brat in me has only been  hibernating, she has awakened and is ready to play!)

 

Anyway, I am almost ready for work and for the first time in months, I am wishing I could stay HOME. Do you have any idea how awful it is to be happier to be at work than at home? I used to start getting sick to my stomach about a half hour before I left work.  Now the day can’t go fast enough. *LOL* Life is good!

 

Have a fabulous day!

Ame

Oh, my goodness....so much has happened since the last time I wrote. I met with the gentleman I spoke of last time and have found myself in love with him.  He and his roommates (and their little girl) have wended their way deep into my heart. The first time I walked into their house, I felt as if I was home. I have a family! I am a second mommy to a darling 22 month old baby girl who apparently adores me. *Grins*

Out of the past 3 weeks, I have spent two nights at my old apartment. I have moved my computer, clothes and various other important things to the house and by the end of July, I will be completely moved in. I know, it sounds so sudden and much too fast, but I am so centered, grounded and at peace I know it is the right thing. I have never been so happy. Sean is everything I have ever  hoped for and more. He loves and cherishes me. I fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms. He is as tactile as I am, sometimes to distraction. *chuckles* We have soooooo much in common, it is almost scary and we find out more and more each day,just how much we have in common! *LOL*

I
am getting used to living with three other adults,a toddler and a cat.
I have gone from living by myself to being around people all the time.
I love them all dearly!  Kitti calls me
"Bri" which is her word for Bridget...One of the things the Goddess
Bridget is known for, is a guardian of children and since there is only
one "mama," *smiles* That name works for me. She also calls me
Kimmie...what a surprise. *Grins*

I had a wonderful weekend. Trish, Joe, Sean, Trish's mom  and I played board games on Friday and we had fireworks with Kitti. Saturday, we moved some stuff to the house from the apartment, and we worked some more on getting our room in order. Poor Sean, we have converted his "man cave" into "Our" room. *LOL* He's been such a good sport about it  bless his heart.

Today Sean and I had a movie date. We saw "Hancock" and "Wall-e." Having not heard too much about either movie, I had no preconceived ideas. I enjoyed both of them.

I am profoundly happy. I have people who love me; I am part of a family. I get hugs and kisses from everyone when I leave for work, and I so look forward to coming home after work. It is such a feeling when I walk in the door and Kitti is SO excited to see me, she throws here arms up and I pick her up and get sloppy wet baby kisses and hugs!

Now it is time to climb into bed and do some reading.

Love, Light and Laughter,
Ame

I have recently made the on-line acquaintance of  a man who is:

1. LOCAL! *HUZZAH*
2. I have an incredible amount in common with~ YES!
3. Is into spanking*HUZZAH* (and other stuff *chuckles*)
4. Is looking for a fourth for his poly family...very cool.

So far, on line we have hit it off beautifully. Hopefully we will have a chance to meet this week and see if the friendship transcends the 'net. We chat every night and we are both amazed at how much we really do have in common. It is almost scary(in a good way) There are of course, so many considerations, but I am cautiously excited about this.

Love, Light and Laughter,
Amethyst

In my last entry I wrote that I had had a rough month, both work wise and personally. I ranted on my work situation, but was not at a point that I could delve into my personal life. The hurt was too fresh.

In an earlier post I excitedly mentioned that my dark celt was back in my life. *chuckles*  He is faire family, I have known for about 8 years. I wrote  all about him first back in 2002, after my ex and I separated and eventually divorced.  Let me preface this with a small disclaimer. I know this man has problems, I have seen him drunker than a skunk and knows he likes to get stoned. Most of the times we saw each other was at faire. Drunk I am used to to seeing him, I have never really seen him high(Unless he was drunk as well and then I would not have known the difference.)  As of this entry, I have spent three times alone with him  not at faire. *Smiles softly* I will say now he was the very first man who ever made me feel desirable and wanted.

*shakes self*

Anyway...I saw him in March and had a wonderful time. He called me the Wednesday after Memorial day, said he was coming to town and would love to see me. I was so excited! He called me Friday night when he got in, asked if I was free Saturday and could we get together? I said yes and he said he would call Saturday and we would do something fun.I stayed home all day Saturday, ready to go, not eating 'cause I had no idea what he had planned. I waited and waited, nothing.

Finally at 6:30, knowing he wasn't going to call, I went and got a bite to eat. Much to my disgust and embarrassment, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and  I ate a little more than I have eaten in a long while. Anyway, I finally get a call at 8:02 from him blithely apologizing for not calling, he and his friends had gotten busy. I was livid.  A simple call ANYTIME during the day saying, "yanno, we got caught up in stuff, could we make our visit for tomorrow?" would have been swell...*sighs* Then he says he and his friends were going to hang by the pool all day Sunday,  could I come at  7 and we'd have dinner? I said yes, then kicked myself after I hung up for not telling him exactly what I thought.(Color me wussy)

So I got there Sunday night, and the man is stoned out of his mind. He said we would eat and then hang out and visit for a while in his room. He doesn't introduce me to his friends. He gets dressed, we go to dinner and I felt as if I was alone...he was obviously not himself...He was not all there with me. Halfway through dinner as he looks as if he is going to fall asleep any second, he says he needs to go upstairs and take a nap cause he and his friends are going to the visit the strip. All righty then. Having lost what little appetite I had, we finished dinner, said goodbye and he had the audacity to tell ME to keep in touch.(I leave voice mails and text messages usually once a week most of which he does not answer...I just didn't want to lose him again) Have I heard from him since he left? Of course not. Do I plan on contacting him anytime soon? No.

I was devastated, hurt and angry. I felt lost. I see him so seldom, I felt cheated out of my time with him. It will be a long while before I see him again, longer now, as I don't know that I could go through this again. I love him...he is a dear friend,but I deserve, at the very least,  the tiniest bit of common courtesy. I felt as if I was with my ex again, it was a horrible feeling. It was a lesson learned, a difficult one at that. However, I have allowed myself to fret over it long enough and I am moving forward. Yea me?

Brightest Blessings,
Amethyst

It has been just about a month since my last blog. It has been an exhausting month, both work wise and personally. We went live with a new upgraded computer system the day after Memorial Day. It has been a whole week and it feels like the first day...over and over again. For myself I love the system, it does my my particular job so much easier. However, for the rest of the company it has bee a cluster...erm...frack. Things that should have been taken care over a month ago, such as transferring patients scheuled from the go live day onward, from the old system to the new system was never completed. Half out schedul was on MM and the other Intergy(Our new system). Consequently, we have been continually double booked, because we are only working from Intergy now. *sighs* Now were are in a desperate dash to finish the conversion of that particular problem.

Then there is the problem of not having had enough training...for anybody!  Most people were given a couple of days of overview training, but not  detailed training specific to their particular bailiwick! The main problem is the the company the created and sold us Intergy knows their product very well. However....they have no idea about our particular workflow. Since everything starts with scheduling and they have not been properly trained, it then moves down to the front desk who has to deal with the oh so unhappy patients who often times have to wait an hour or more for their exams, many of which were scheduled weeks, if not months before. So many patient have simply walked out that it is just mind blowing. Next in the flow comes the different modalities and all the different technologists who actually do the exams on said unhappy patients. *sighs* Often times still waiting until misunderstandings are (hopefully) cleared up before they FINALLY go into a room and have their exam. Next comes our clueless doctors who hate anything new, they in turn send reports to our over worked transcribers, who are still figuring out how to correct a report , let alone anything else. 

Beyond this, I have no clue. I have never dealt with the file room, billing and collections,so I have no idea how they are faring. I can only hope better than the rest of my poor beleaguered workmates.

I do have to admit the negativity and some just plain ugliness is wearing me down. I have had an issue with my work roommate for months and this has all just made her that more annoying. Lucky for me she goes on vacation on Thursday! My job is such, that for the most part, I leave it behind me when I walk out the doors. However the stress I feel from all of the goings on, lingers, in the form of moodiness, achy-ness, and sleeplessness. I have been one cranky Amethyst and I am soooo very tired of it.


Well, that is all I have the energy for today. Hopefully venting a bit will help . Time now for dinner, so I can get back to Laurell's new book! YES!!!

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst

I am waiting for my laundry to finish drying, listening to the birds singing outside my window.  *smiles*  The soft whirring of my fan sounds in the background as I contemplate the last two weeks since my last entry.

I received a subpoena to go to court as a witness against one of the men who tried to steal my car. When I called the night before, to make sure the case was on the docket, of course it was not. So I have to wait for information and possibly another subpoena. Which is to say, I will not have any satisfaction regarding this ordeal, any more than I had the last time my car was actually stolen. It is quite frustrating.

As of now, I will be spending Christmas in Hawaii! One of my dearest, bestest friends is stationed there and he is flying me out for the holiday. *GRINS* I have not been there since my 21st birthday. *GULP*  wow...28 years ago! Holy mackerel! I am so excited! Ohhhhhhh...I will HAVE to have a new swimsuit...

I have started an aqua aerobics class twice a week and I absolutely love it. However...*POUTS* They over chlorinate their pool and  I believe I am extremely allergic to the chlorine. I am going to try benedryl after my sessions. This HAS to work out...this class is the best thing I could have found and I look forward to it so much.

Speaking of  exercise, this segues nicely into my journey to being healthier. I am just about 8 pounds away from my first big goal and I am going to do it darn it! Once I hit it....I know I can do anything!!!

I had a moment of insanity last Wednesday and cut all my hair off and lightened it.  I am finally get ting used to it and the general consensus amongst all my friends and loved ones is it is the best thing I have done in a very long time! When I told Bryan, my friend in Hawaii, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Define ALL!"  I had to laugh...he loved my hair long.

Okay, laundry is done and now it is time for a shower, followed by a short visit to the Library and then I am off to see Iron Man! I am really looking forward to the movie!

Here is to a fabulous day. Be sure to do at least one nice thing for yourself today. Relax...have fun....do something that makes you happy!

Brightest Blessings,
Amethyst

So, I  wake  up all bad moody today.  I was in a foul humor.  I SO didn't want to go to work.


Then
about 10:00 am, I get this call from my apt. manager asking me if I
have a white Toyota Camry with a club on the steering wheel. I said yes
and she said someone tried to break into it. She gave the police my
number, Officer Jones called me and told me the story and said that if
I could not come home so they could sign it over to me, they would have
to tow it! It was friggin 4 feet out of the parking stall!


Anyway...apparently
this brilliant guy decided to try and drive it with the club like
device I had attached, the car stalled, maintenance noticed and knowing
it was not his car, came up to the guy who is in my car and asks him if
he was going to take off the club...


Now get this: The dude said he thought when he turned the car on, the club would disengage!


Maintenance
told him that before they could push the car back into the parking
space, they would have to call Metro...he got all nervous and
eventually up and left....quickly.


Metro came, they caught a
black guy whom they think had nothing to do with the physical attempt
on the car, but was prolly in cahoots with the white guy in my car.


Now,
I was tied to my desk as my boss is out of town...but when they said
they were going to tow it...I made sure that I got there in five
minutes. I filled out what seems like reams of paper work, check the
car out and aside from damaging the alarm, he screwed up my steering
wheel by trying to drive the car with the club on it. *Shakes head at
the sheer stupidity*


The maintenance guys got a good look at
the dude and were able to give descriptions. They were so cool....They
helped me start the car and pull it back into the stall. I need to make
them some goodies as a thank you!


Anyway, that was the
majority of my day. I am so thankful I still have my car and that it
still seems to be working. I am grateful as well to my apt. manager and
the maintenance guys. It turned out to be a good day after all.

I found this posted on my Sparkpeople site in one of my groups. All  I can say is Wow! The cool thing is...I have already begun and didn't even realize it! *LOL*

The site this came from is:http://www.hackyourself.org/

You can be happy. You can live the life you want
to live. You can become the person you want to be.

This is what I've figured out so far.

Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning
blame and leave the past behind you.

You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your
boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you,
the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or
even yourself. You know whose fault it is — you've been
telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is
that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself
of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.

Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't real. “That was
in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.” If we're
not talking about something that is real and present and in
your life right now, then it doesn't matter. Nothing can
be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't
spend your energy dwelling on it — you have other things to do.

I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm
saying you should just “get over it,” by suggesting that you
should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't
hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is
still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything
about yesterday.

You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day.
Focus your energies there.

“I don't have time to write.” “I can't dance.” “I can't talk to
new people.” “I'm not attractive.”

I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me
sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes
around themselves.

To which I say, make the time; dance; just talk to people;
be attractive!

Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic
of you to so easily say what you cannot do!

We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind
does — it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves,
at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines
between the points — we assume that just because we've done
things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that
way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.

Screw that.

Surprise yourself. No — amaze yourself.

You don't have to keep doing the things you hate.
Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going
over and saying a few words to someone you find really
attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by
rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage
you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?

Find the demon.

Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice
in the back of your head that's always whispering,
“You can't.” You know the demon. You may think you
hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let
it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's
something you want, you consult the demon first, to see
if it will say, “You can't have that.”

What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything.
It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to
you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that
makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told
you “You'll never accomplish anything,” it was listening;
it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to
watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It
doesn't care.

Exorcise yourself.

You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do,
please, the next time you hear that voice in your head,
imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that
you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its
fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine,
and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel
on your way out to dance in the streets.

You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you
that. You can.

You don't exist.

You just think you do.

We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know
in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable
of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we
are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and
strengths you've told yourself you have.

(Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous
quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)

You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you.
If you don't like the story your life has become — tell
yourself a better one.

Think about the person you want to be and do what that
person would do. Act the way that person would act.

Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person,
people will start treating you like that person.

And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.

Welcome to your new self.

You are a product of your environnent.

Most people realize this — usually, in the form of having
something else to blame — but they tend to forget one
important fact:

Humans are the masters of changing their environment.

What this means is that if your environment affects you,
and you can affect your environment, then obviously,
you can affect yourself.

• Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your
  life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more
  than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you — and
  get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care
  if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover —
  if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but
  reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself,
  then your relationship with them needs to radically alter
  or it needs to end.

• Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself
  pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up
  over not achieving them — set yourself goals that will
  be good for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals.
  Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't —
  that's the old story, that story you used to tell yourself
  about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could
  never change anything about your life. You can meet your
  goals. This is the new story.

  Trying to clean your house? Good for you — a clean house
  can really affect your state of mind for the better. But
  don't say “Today I'm going to clean the entire house from
  top to bottom,” when you don't have the time and energy
  to — don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the
  demon. Just say, “Today I'm going to wash all the dishes
  and clean off the kitchen counter.” And do it.

  Don't tell yourself, “This month I'm going to write that
  novel.” Tell yourself, “Today I'm going to write five
  pages.” And do it. Take your dreams and break them
  down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands
  before you know it.

  And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that
  you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident
  and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.

• Your environment includes yourself — your physical presence.
  Do what you know you need to do — treat yourself better.
  Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to
  stop staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean
  you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop
  sitting around watching television — it just means start
  doing the things that are good for you as well as the
  things that are bad for you, every so often. It's
  not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to
  devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating
  more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal;
  go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better
  and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once
  you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting
  the things that make you feel better. You'll see.

• Your environment includes your appearance. If you're
  not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person
  in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change
  who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different
  hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It
  doesn't have to be expensive — there's a whole universe
  full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift
  stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the
  person you want to be, then decide what that person
  is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not
  shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about
  self-transformation — even the most primitive
  tribes understand the value of costumes and masks
  for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.

You are not an object. You are a system. Like with
any system, if you change the inputs — change what
goes into it — you'll change what comes out.

Despite everything I've just said:

Self-examination can be paralysis.

Don't “remember to breathe” — just breathe. It's a
Tao thing.

It's the paradox at the center of all this — remember that,
“Am I living up to being the person I want to be?”, is not
a question the person you want to be would ask.

If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:

Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.

Just be happy.

Michael Montoure is a writer and a web developer living in the Pacific Northwest.

Happy
Weekend ! It is a beautiful day here in Sin city.  I wish summer was like this all the time...maybe if I wish REALLY hard???
*sighs*

I'm cleaning... in an effort to be able to enjoy the
rest of my weekend guilt free and maybe entice Uncle Rob to come over
for a while. I need to see him...*chuckles* Something Fierce.

In
any event, I hope that what ever you have to do today, you have a grand
day and be sure to do at least one thing that makes you happy this
weekend.

Love you!!!

Love, Light and Laughter,