While logically I knew I was clean, even before my CT and from talking yesterday with the doctor who read it...it wasn't until I had the report in my hand this morning and read the words, that the truth of it finally settled and wrapped itself around my brain... I am cancer free and I cried.

Well, here I am. I am through with chemo (HUZZAH!!), and feeling really good! I am looking forward to my energy level matching how good I am feeling, but this shall come in time. I lost a total of 71 pound during my illness, once my appetite came back I gained only 4 of those back. Today's weigh-in found me a pound and half lighter...another two and half pounds and I am back to the 71 I originally lost. I can see my second major goal so closely...250 pounds! I know I can do it...I fought cancer and won! So therefore, I can do this...piece of cake!

I tracked my food and did really well! I did not make it to the treadmill as I ran around a lot this morning at work and it was too much. I have to remember to take things slowly. The chemo was hard on my body and it is going to take time to build up strength and stamina. My poor heart was palpitating way too much this morning and my bones on the outside of my upper legs (are those side thigh bones? Need to look it up) really hurt.

I called and asked my doctor today when I can begin to take Zinc, Biotin and Fish Oil to help my hair grow back nice and thick and healthy. He said I can start anytime, so tomorrow I'll add those to my multivitamin and calcium pills. I cannot WAIT until my hair starts to grow back. I just don't do well bald! *LOL*

So, today was a good day. I am consciously Sparking (I refer to Sparkpeople.com..my favorite "diet" site )again and look forward to all the joys and accomplished goals I have to look forward to in the future.

Bright Blessings,
Ame

A couple of weeks before I started back to work, I saw a hematology oncologist. He felt that due to certain criteria, I should have 3 rounds of preventative chemo therapy. He said my odds of getting cancer again without the chemo is 50-50, with chemo only 80-20. I like those odds much better and decided even before I left his office that I would have the therapy.

I had the first round the Friday I started back to work. The actual chemo wasn't so bad, surprisingly. The next morning I went back to get an injection that helps boost the white blood cell count. They said my bones would ache for a few days, however, I was not prepared for the excruciating pain in my thighs and ankles. I couldn't sleep on Tuesday night and ended up staying home. I called the physician's office to find out what else I could do besides take Tylenol(Yeeeeeeeeah....Tylenol) and how long the pain would last. I was told to try Claritin D, something about the antihistamine that helps the pain. I was amazed to find out it DID help and I was so grateful. It is now sitting on the table next to my couch in readiness for this weekend. The pain disappeared around Thursday.

I was also dealing with nausea. *sigh* It was only a couple of days as well, so I survived. I have felt pretty good these last two weeks. The only down side is that I am losing my hair...I've ordered hats, scarves and am looking at wigs. In the very near future, I will be having my head shaved, but I'm not dealing with that as well as I could be. I know I'll be okay and my hair should be back by September. It is all part of the journey. Ooh...and I am looking forward to see what my hair looks like once it grows back...that's kinda exciting to contemplate...sorta.

This Friday is my second round, and then I only have one more, then I am done! Huzzah! While  I am kinda dreading it, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On the upside, I have lost a total of 71 pounds! I went shopping last Saturday and bought some new...smaller... clothes! I love seeing the look on my work friends faces when they see me. Although, while logically I know I look better than I did, once in while I even see it, but the reality of it still hasn't wended itself into my head.

Not only that, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. With all that has happened over the past four months, I don't know who I am any more. After this is all finished, I will begin getting to know myself again. For now, I accept there are things I can't change, I need to roll with whatever comes my way in the next month, and then I look forward to the next bend in the road.

So, onward and upward. One day at a time....sometimes one hour at a time. In spite of everything, life is good and I have so much to look forward to in my future.

I am slowly recovering, today I'm feeling almost human for the first time. I'm so grateful for this! Had my 2nd post-op follow up on Monday. I had such a bad week prior to the appointment, that the news awaiting me as I did my pre-visit weighin caught me so off guard, I broke into tears(Which I do at the drop of a hat,darn it; thanks to my instant menopause)and I had to ask the nurse to repeat my weight. I am down 46 pounds I cannot EVEN remember the last time I weighed this much.

Gotta tell ya, This is NOT how I envisioned losing the weight. 46 pounds since this whole adventure began. 55 pounds altogether. I am astounded and thrilled. I have no appetite, which is normal after a surgery such as mine. I eat little bits, and hope, once I am feeling better, I can keep it up.

Anywho, I am making progress, slow but sure. I hope I have more decent days like today, I am so ready to feel good...or at least better.

*hugs*
Ame

Okay, so life has taken an interesting turn over the past three weeks. To make a very long story, not quite so long: had a fall October 29, was physically ill for over a week; started having shortness of breath really bad, ended up 2 weeks in the hospital and was diagnosed with blood clots in my lungs which led to a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I’m scheduled for a total hysterectomy on December 8th followed by several rounds of chemo.

I’m in a really good place, I know everything is going to be great. If I had not fallen, I would never have learned about the cancer. Things happen for a reason! I have a totally wonderful net of love and support from friends and family. On the up side, I am once again within 3 pounds of my first goal! 28 pounds in 3 weeks. *LOL* I suppose that is one way to do it.

Yes, I make a lot of jokes and I look for funny stuff in my life right now. I laugh as much as possible. This is not to say I don’t have down times, cause I do. I break into tears for absolutely no reason every once in a while, but they don’t last long. I am truly blessed with so much good in my life, life is good!

*hugs*

It has been far too long, I know. I have been by turns really busy and really lazy. It was a good summer as summers go. The weather was pretty decent for Sin City (didn’t hit high triple digits too often! *LOL*) and I was busy with my friends. Even with that, I was lethargic and perpetually looking forward to the cooler weather. I love September, when the morning and evenings begin to cool down a bit and the heat is not quite as oppressive.

Now that October has arrived and the weather is so much nicer (read cooler!), I am, as usual, coming out of my summer hibernation. I am feeling so much more energy and have this yearning to do things. There is such a feeling of anticipation and excitement inside, and I don’t even know why!

Fifty has been so good to me thus far. Now more than ever, I am convinced that age is a state of mind! At this rate, I will never be a “real” grown-up! *LOL* I appreciate the child like wonder I feel about life. There is so much beauty and good surrounding us. I love this quote by Albert Einstein:

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.”

I love where I am at in my life. I have passed my 20 year anniversary at work, who would have believed it? Not I! I love my apartment and my darling Shade. Coming home to her is such a joy, with her purring and snuggles. (That is the only time she’ll actually let me hold her, rotten cat! *LOL*) I have friends that love and support me as well as my wonderful family. I have connected with old friends, made new ones, & have said goodbye and released others. There have been times I have stepped outside my comfort zone and survived! I look forward to doing that even more.

The recession has hit me quite a bit as it has everyone. However, I find in a strange turn, that I am in good place emotionally. While I am struggling to keep afloat in many ways and though I have had to give up several things (mostly events I usually attend), I am much more content with my life.  I am not trying to understand it; I am simply living and enjoying it. The only thing I had to miss and it broke my heart, was a dear friend’s formal wedding (I was at her actual wedding in February). I can’t wait to see pictures and hear of all the adventures!

On a side note: I have had a difficult time letting go of the past year as far as my last relationship goes. It ended so horribly and I am not sure what I did, besides be honest, to have deserved the way I was treated. I have moved on and am in such a better and much happier place than I was a year ago and yet, lately the times that the family comes to mind is much more often than it should be.

I am not one to dwell on the past. There is too much to take care of, enjoy, and be grateful for today, not to mention all the wonderful things to look forward to in the future. I know they have no power over me. It may be that something is going on with them and I am just getting the “vibes,” or perhaps it is the fact that some of my personal things are still at the house that I missed in my moving out and I am tethered to them. Every now and again, I will look for something at home and realize that it is still at their place. In any event, it is time to figure out a way to let it all go. I forgave them many months ago, but perhaps my soul didn’t believe me and I need to work on it some more.

I will find my way with this issue as I have others and all will be well. Life continues to challenge and entrance me. It has its highs & lows and I appreciate both. Life is good and I am happy. The journey continues and there is much joy. What more could I ask for in life?

Brightest Blessings,

Amethyst (aka Ame, Katie, Kimmie, Star, Brenna)

This is my darling girl, Miss Shade. Love of my life and Guardian of the keyboard and mouse. *LOL* (she bats and bites at my fingers when I type and move the mouse. That is of course when she is not splayed over the keyboard, asleep!)
                                                     
I love her yellow eyes and when she reaches out to pet me when she stretches.
    

I am back... I am fabulous...I am beautiful! Well,not really... mostly I am back on track and that is the most important thing! I'm down thirteen pounds! Yea me! If I can keep up the momentum...I could be down 25 pounds if not 50 by October 3rd. Pretty awesome thought!

Brightest Blessings,
Ame

...even with the ups and downs. I had a fabulous birthday and two week vacation, I have a beautiful new kitty named Shade, I love my apartment and I am inching my way to my 20th anniversary at work.

The downs have been really down, but the ups have been spectacular and I am on the upswing again. I have never lost my faith in the all the good and abundance in my life. I knew that things would get better and they have. I love my family and friends who have been with me through both extremes and I thank the Goddess every day for them.

I have been internet-less for far too long and will be back online hopefully by sometime next week. I have jumped back into Sparkpeople(well, as much as one can when sneaking at work) I have found my excitement and motivation once again, and am slowly losing weight and getting healthy again.

In the mean time...my love to all my family here and bright blessings until I see you again!

Hugs and snugs,
Ame