Month: February 2005

  • It is funny how you think you have finally put an issue to rest, you have tussled with, fought it and finally come to an understanding and acceptance. Then in one fell swoop, the thing is an issue once again.


    Since the time I was a very little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy. It was, for me the ultimate goal. I planned for it, studied books, watched my own beloved mama and compared her to other moms I knew(She ALWAYS came out ahead!). As I grew older, I looked forward to the time I would meet that special someone, get married and have a family.


    Time passed and I grew older and older and there came a point in time, when doubt about my having a family began to diminish my hope, ever so slightly...and as time passed, my heart grew heavy, because the older I got, the less likely I knew that it was going to happen.


    Then at the age of 35, I meet Michael and we fell in love got married and wanted to have a baby...well...I wanted it more than he did, but we tied. Nothing...nada. After a few years, an adoption opportunity comes up...I am thrilled to tears, I am excited beyond words, we make plans, we tell our families, we go to Babies "R" us and register...


    A month before the baby is due, the 15 year mother decides she will keep the baby (There are issues I won't EVEN delve into here). I am devastated....destroyed...to say I was heart broken would be the understatement of the millennium. I mourned more than Michael did, which should have worried me at the time, but I was so distraught I didn't notice...hindsight and all that...which is the story of most of my ill-fated marriage.


    After the divorce, I struggled for over a year, coming to accept, that for what ever reason(the universe only knows) I was not meant to have children. And by the age of 45, I said goodbye to the dream and buried it...able to look forward and be excited about my new life...about the freedom that I have to do whatever I want, without the responsibility of a child. In fact, I found at one point, when I thought there was an ever so slight possibility that I could be pregnant, to be more than upset, almost resentful as I believe I am too old (I don't want to be in my sixties raising a teenager...and I am barely keeping my own life together at the moment without having to worry about a baby), and finally enjoying my newly discovered self and life, with the option to pick up and go do what ever, at the drop of a hat, without having to worry about the care and finances for a child( heck, I don't even have a pet...I am being selfish and focusing on myself for a while).


    Which brings be to the whole point of this much longer than anticipated blog! (Sorry)


    Yesterday at work we had a potluck babyshower for one of the girls at work. She is having a little girl and the gifts she received were precious and dear. Now up to this point, since my having settled this issue...I can see pregnant co-workers and see their babies from afar and not feel a twinge, no regret, no tears for what I can't have any more and no desire. But, yesterday, it all came rushing back and I found myself once again on that precipice of despair.


    How stupid IS that! *shakes head* Once again, I start over, coming to the understanding and acceptance....hopefully it will not take as long as it did the first time... it is something I had figured I had put to rest for good...it seems I was wrong. I hope this is not an issue that keep resurrecting itself at the most horrible of times. I need to lay it to rest for good. I do and I will. *sighs*


    ame


  • I had THE best time last night. Once we finally found the temple (during the day it is difficult enough, as it is set well off the main highway, at night when there are NO streetlamps, it is TRULY an adventure!) *chuckles* Out past Indian Springs, a good 45 minute drive from town, she kept wondering if we missed it. I kept telling her I remembered there was a billboard!! I just had the feeling we hadn't passed all the normal milestones that I remember there were on the way. (The last time either one of us had been out to the temple was for a ritual directly after 9-11 and again, that was during the day).


    On the way, I read to the girls (Ages 6and 8) about Imbolc out of the book “Circle Round”, I read a story about Brigid and one about Cerridwen, her cauldron and the birth of Taliesin. And we talked about what Imbolc was all about.



    *LOL* In any event, we found it (I was right about the billboard...*grins*). We stepped our of the car and my breath was taken away by the multitude of stars which graced the dark night sky. I could only stand for a few moments, the awe I felt made it difficult to do anything but give thanks for the opportunity of being there at that particular moment.


    We finally made our way to the camp fire and introduced ourselves to the few people that had already arrived. The children were SO good, bless their hearts. Once the ritual began, they participated with all their might and hearts. It was a touching, smile~filled, love~filled ritual, after which we shared a potluck and some conversation. As my we were leaving Anne, the Priestess, came and gave us hugs and we talked for while. She invited us back for all the sabbat and esbat rituals, and we told her we would come to as many as we could. My friend has familial considerations with the girls(*Smiles* Girl Scouts) on Tuesday night and other times also, but most other nights we may be able to attend. She made me feel so welcomed and loved and I had just met her! I have missed the sense of community, being a solitary practitioner, and while I am happy doing most of my work and studying alone, it is nice to know that there is someplace I belong as well.


    I felt empowered, positive, and so relaxed on the way home. The first time I have felt that relaxed and content in so very long. Once I get my own place, I can once again pick up my studies and draw closer to the Goddess and the God…continue my journey of self discovery in a warm and positive atmosphere. Where I am now is not conducive to study and enrichment…way too much negative energy…So I bide my time and plan away for the day, hopefully not too far in the future, when I can OWN MY LIFE again!


    Brightest of Blessings,


    Ame

  • Happy Wednesday.


     I am cautiously excited about my new apartment. The way my luck has run over the past year, I am not counting on anything. I hope this feeling is just me being tired and cranky. *sighs*


    Happy Imbolc/Candlemas. A friend and I are going out to the Goddess Temple tonight to celebrate Imbolc. I haven't been in so long, I am looking forward to going and spending time with my friend and her two beautiful little girls!


    Bright Blessings,
    Ame