February 5, 2005

• It is funny how you think you have finally put an issue to rest, you have tussled with, fought it and finally come to an understanding and acceptance. Then in one fell swoop, the thing is an issue once again.

  
  

  Since the time I was a very little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy. It was, for me the ultimate goal. I planned for it, studied books, watched my own beloved mama and compared her to other moms I knew(She ALWAYS came out ahead!). As I grew older, I looked forward to the time I would meet that special someone, get married and have a family.

  
  

  Time passed and I grew older and older and there came a point in time, when doubt about my having a family began to diminish my hope, ever so slightly...and as time passed, my heart grew heavy, because the older I got, the less likely I knew that it was going to happen.

  
  

  Then at the age of 35, I meet Michael and we fell in love got married and wanted to have a baby...well...I wanted it more than he did, but we tied. Nothing...nada. After a few years, an adoption opportunity comes up...I am thrilled to tears, I am excited beyond words, we make plans, we tell our families, we go to Babies "R" us and register...

  
  

  A month before the baby is due, the 15 year mother decides she will keep the baby (There are issues I won't EVEN delve into here). I am devastated....destroyed...to say I was heart broken would be the understatement of the millennium. I mourned more than Michael did, which should have worried me at the time, but I was so distraught I didn't notice...hindsight and all that...which is the story of most of my ill-fated marriage.

  
  

  After the divorce, I struggled for over a year, coming to accept, that for what ever reason(the universe only knows) I was not meant to have children. And by the age of 45, I said goodbye to the dream and buried it...able to look forward and be excited about my new life...about the freedom that I have to do whatever I want, without the responsibility of a child. In fact, I found at one point, when I thought there was an ever so slight possibility that I could be pregnant, to be more than upset, almost resentful as I believe I am too old (I don't want to be in my sixties raising a teenager...and I am barely keeping my own life together at the moment without having to worry about a baby), and finally enjoying my newly discovered self and life, with the option to pick up and go do what ever, at the drop of a hat, without having to worry about the care and finances for a child( heck, I don't even have a pet...I am being selfish and focusing on myself for a while).

  
  

  Which brings be to the whole point of this much longer than anticipated blog! (Sorry)

  
  

  Yesterday at work we had a potluck babyshower for one of the girls at work. She is having a little girl and the gifts she received were precious and dear. Now up to this point, since my having settled this issue...I can see pregnant co-workers and see their babies from afar and not feel a twinge, no regret, no tears for what I can't have any more and no desire. But, yesterday, it all came rushing back and I found myself once again on that precipice of despair.

  
  

  How stupid IS that! *shakes head* Once again, I start over, coming to the understanding and acceptance....hopefully it will not take as long as it did the first time... it is something I had figured I had put to rest for good...it seems I was wrong. I hope this is not an issue that keep resurrecting itself at the most horrible of times. I need to lay it to rest for good. I do and I will. *sighs*

  
  

  ame

  • 1:04 pm
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