So, I  wake  up all bad moody today.  I was in a foul humor.  I SO didn't want to go to work.


Then
about 10:00 am, I get this call from my apt. manager asking me if I
have a white Toyota Camry with a club on the steering wheel. I said yes
and she said someone tried to break into it. She gave the police my
number, Officer Jones called me and told me the story and said that if
I could not come home so they could sign it over to me, they would have
to tow it! It was friggin 4 feet out of the parking stall!


Anyway...apparently
this brilliant guy decided to try and drive it with the club like
device I had attached, the car stalled, maintenance noticed and knowing
it was not his car, came up to the guy who is in my car and asks him if
he was going to take off the club...


Now get this: The dude said he thought when he turned the car on, the club would disengage!


Maintenance
told him that before they could push the car back into the parking
space, they would have to call Metro...he got all nervous and
eventually up and left....quickly.


Metro came, they caught a
black guy whom they think had nothing to do with the physical attempt
on the car, but was prolly in cahoots with the white guy in my car.


Now,
I was tied to my desk as my boss is out of town...but when they said
they were going to tow it...I made sure that I got there in five
minutes. I filled out what seems like reams of paper work, check the
car out and aside from damaging the alarm, he screwed up my steering
wheel by trying to drive the car with the club on it. *Shakes head at
the sheer stupidity*


The maintenance guys got a good look at
the dude and were able to give descriptions. They were so cool....They
helped me start the car and pull it back into the stall. I need to make
them some goodies as a thank you!


Anyway, that was the
majority of my day. I am so thankful I still have my car and that it
still seems to be working. I am grateful as well to my apt. manager and
the maintenance guys. It turned out to be a good day after all.

I found this posted on my Sparkpeople site in one of my groups. All  I can say is Wow! The cool thing is...I have already begun and didn't even realize it! *LOL*

The site this came from is:http://www.hackyourself.org/

You can be happy. You can live the life you want
to live. You can become the person you want to be.

This is what I've figured out so far.

Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning
blame and leave the past behind you.

You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your
boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you,
the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or
even yourself. You know whose fault it is — you've been
telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is
that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself
of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.

Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't real. “That was
in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.” If we're
not talking about something that is real and present and in
your life right now, then it doesn't matter. Nothing can
be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't
spend your energy dwelling on it — you have other things to do.

I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm
saying you should just “get over it,” by suggesting that you
should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't
hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is
still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything
about yesterday.

You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day.
Focus your energies there.

“I don't have time to write.” “I can't dance.” “I can't talk to
new people.” “I'm not attractive.”

I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me
sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes
around themselves.

To which I say, make the time; dance; just talk to people;
be attractive!

Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic
of you to so easily say what you cannot do!

We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind
does — it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves,
at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines
between the points — we assume that just because we've done
things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that
way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.

Screw that.

Surprise yourself. No — amaze yourself.

You don't have to keep doing the things you hate.
Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going
over and saying a few words to someone you find really
attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by
rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage
you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?

Find the demon.

Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice
in the back of your head that's always whispering,
“You can't.” You know the demon. You may think you
hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let
it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's
something you want, you consult the demon first, to see
if it will say, “You can't have that.”

What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything.
It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to
you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that
makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told
you “You'll never accomplish anything,” it was listening;
it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to
watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It
doesn't care.

Exorcise yourself.

You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do,
please, the next time you hear that voice in your head,
imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that
you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its
fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine,
and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel
on your way out to dance in the streets.

You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you
that. You can.

You don't exist.

You just think you do.

We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know
in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable
of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we
are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and
strengths you've told yourself you have.

(Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous
quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)

You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you.
If you don't like the story your life has become — tell
yourself a better one.

Think about the person you want to be and do what that
person would do. Act the way that person would act.

Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person,
people will start treating you like that person.

And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.

Welcome to your new self.

You are a product of your environnent.

Most people realize this — usually, in the form of having
something else to blame — but they tend to forget one
important fact:

Humans are the masters of changing their environment.

What this means is that if your environment affects you,
and you can affect your environment, then obviously,
you can affect yourself.

• Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your
  life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more
  than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you — and
  get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care
  if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover —
  if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but
  reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself,
  then your relationship with them needs to radically alter
  or it needs to end.

• Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself
  pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up
  over not achieving them — set yourself goals that will
  be good for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals.
  Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't —
  that's the old story, that story you used to tell yourself
  about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could
  never change anything about your life. You can meet your
  goals. This is the new story.

  Trying to clean your house? Good for you — a clean house
  can really affect your state of mind for the better. But
  don't say “Today I'm going to clean the entire house from
  top to bottom,” when you don't have the time and energy
  to — don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the
  demon. Just say, “Today I'm going to wash all the dishes
  and clean off the kitchen counter.” And do it.

  Don't tell yourself, “This month I'm going to write that
  novel.” Tell yourself, “Today I'm going to write five
  pages.” And do it. Take your dreams and break them
  down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands
  before you know it.

  And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that
  you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident
  and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.

• Your environment includes yourself — your physical presence.
  Do what you know you need to do — treat yourself better.
  Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to
  stop staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean
  you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop
  sitting around watching television — it just means start
  doing the things that are good for you as well as the
  things that are bad for you, every so often. It's
  not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to
  devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating
  more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal;
  go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better
  and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once
  you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting
  the things that make you feel better. You'll see.

• Your environment includes your appearance. If you're
  not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person
  in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change
  who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different
  hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It
  doesn't have to be expensive — there's a whole universe
  full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift
  stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the
  person you want to be, then decide what that person
  is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not
  shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about
  self-transformation — even the most primitive
  tribes understand the value of costumes and masks
  for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.

You are not an object. You are a system. Like with
any system, if you change the inputs — change what
goes into it — you'll change what comes out.

Despite everything I've just said:

Self-examination can be paralysis.

Don't “remember to breathe” — just breathe. It's a
Tao thing.

It's the paradox at the center of all this — remember that,
“Am I living up to being the person I want to be?”, is not
a question the person you want to be would ask.

If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:

Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.

Just be happy.

Michael Montoure is a writer and a web developer living in the Pacific Northwest.

Happy
Weekend ! It is a beautiful day here in Sin city.  I wish summer was like this all the time...maybe if I wish REALLY hard???
*sighs*

I'm cleaning... in an effort to be able to enjoy the
rest of my weekend guilt free and maybe entice Uncle Rob to come over
for a while. I need to see him...*chuckles* Something Fierce.

In
any event, I hope that what ever you have to do today, you have a grand
day and be sure to do at least one thing that makes you happy this
weekend.

Love you!!!

Love, Light and Laughter,

Omigosh! 4 months...almost 5...yet again!  It has been an adventure. I hardly know where to begin...

Well, the beginning I suppose.  Last year was a rough year emotionally for me. Early in the year I began to withdraw.It got worse and worse to a point where I didn't care about
anything....at all. I had moments of okay....good things did happen to me last year for which I am eternally grateful. I also learned I'm a better actress than I thought. *sighs*...but I felt as if I was drowning. From spending 5 hours a night on the computer, I
went to just checking email...I stopped chatting at work *GASP* and
became very antisocial. I never left the apartment except to go to
work. I was sad and hated myself...for absoultely no reason that I
could fathom. I finally went to the doctor in December at the urging of my boss,who
thought I was perimenopausal. After running all sorts of tests, I was diagnosed with depression of
all things.(Apparently my brain is not making enough seratonin anymore hence my
year long funk). He put me on lexapro.I didn't realize how bad it was until I started to feel better and
people were to welcoming me back, hugging me and just had looks of utter relief.(I love my friends). *LOL* People knew something was wrong
a lot sooner then I did. So that explains my extremely anti-social
behavior of the last several months. Now at  long last I am  back to my relatively normal,
cheerful, sassy, occasionally naughty, rambling self.

I had a wonderful Christmas with my sister and her family. They took me for my first visit to the Hotel Del Coronado
and it was just beautiful. I can see why my sister and my niece are so
enchanted by it. I spent Christmas eve some of my spanking family. I had a blast! Kathy spent the entire day
trying to get me in trouble with Floyd. Oh my goodness, it felt so good
to laugh so hysterically. I finally did get in trouble though...for NOT
getting in trouble. *ROFL*  I did redeem myself however, as I stuck my
tongue out at Kathy as we passed by...of course she promptly tattled on
me! It was a wonderful vacation and the best Christmas I have had in
over 8 years.

January 17, I slipped and fell on a patch
of black ice and messed up my leg very badly.(Yes we do get ice on odd occasions in Vegas). One day the nurses and my Chief Nuc Med tech were looking at my leg,
and Jimmy( The nuc med tech) suddenly went all Toppie on me. *giggles*
He lectured me about not going to the doctor sooner and made me promise
I would go to the doctor that day. He even had me "Yes sirring" him. I
suppose one could say I am just a wee bit stubborn(But you didn't hear
it from me!) I know I will hear about this from my REAL Toppie friends
when next I see them . I ended up at the doctor's and found out I had
cellulitis which is just nasty. I was put on antibiotics and have
only one sore that is refusing to heal, but that should resolve itself
soon. I declared that this is as bad as this year is going to be and it
can only get better from here. So there!

As a result of my enforced down time due to my leg, and my feeling ever so much better with the medication, I have spent a large amount of time lately in deep contemplation and doing a lot of soul searching. So much good has come of it. I am feeling very centered, very grounded and very happy.

Let's see what else...Oh! My dark Celt is back in my life. I had  been afraid I would never see him again, so imagine my surprise when he contacted me on December 18th! I was so relieved to hear his voice on my voice mail, I absolutely lost it. Cried for about a half hour in sheer relief and joy. I was so afraid he was going to harm himself after he disappeared.  In any event, I had a date with one of my favorite people in the whole
entire world. He is the one Bad Boy in my life and I absolutely adore
him(even knowing I couldn't possibly live with him, cause I would
eventually want to do him harm! *LOL*)

I had not seen him in
a year and a half. I was all sorts of twitterpated. I did all the typical girl things to get ready! *LOL* Hair, nails...even my toes!It wouldn't have mattered though, if I had done none of those things. We had the most wonderful time. He took me out to dinner and to see
Cirque de Soliel's Love. The absolute best part of our date though, was
all the talking we did. I understand him so much better now and love
him even more dearly. I felt so much closer to him and am so grateful
he trusted me enough to open up to me. He is doing so very much better
now. He is so happy in his new home. I can't wait to visit him. I have
never been to New Orleans. He lives right in the middle of the French
Quarter. Actually, he is one
of the items I have been pondering and working on... lo these many
weeks. It a very long story, but suffice it to say I was in love with
him at one time...I will always love him, but he will only ever be a
dear friend.

I
have also been contemplating a new real relationship, which will, I am
sure, involve my moving to Pensacola. He started out as a good friend I
have known for two years, but over the last year we have become closer.
Yes, I have met him in person a few times(I met him through
a...erm...spanking group...*Grins*). He is exactly what I have been
waiting for all my life, and it took me a year to realize it. We are
moving slowly which is perfectly all right with me.

I had gained 14 pounds during the winter.We started  "Biggest Loser" competition at work on March 3rd.  I have lost 9 pounds in 4 weeks and am almost back down to where I was before I got sick and then fell. Yea me! 10 more pounds and I will be 299...for the first time in I can't even tell you how long! This tells you how far I have come...there was a time when NO ONE knew how much I weighed. My mama died never knowing my weight. But I have discovered that it is just a number. I love who I am, right now. The important thing is to continue to get healthier. The weight loss is just gravy.(Although I admit....I am jazzed about my goal)

Which pretty much brings us to today. Which is pretty cool. Life is
good...I am good....and there is a lot of promise in the future.

I 
am sorry I have missed so very much here at home. I have missed you all
so much...but I am just caught up in all of this and it seems to be
demanding a lot of my attention. I will try to peek in more often
and hopefully whatever is going on in my subconscious will resolve
itself soon!
 

Love, Light, and Laughter!
Ame

 

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