June 21, 2006

  • This has been an extraordinary few weeks for me. I decided before my ent left, that I would devote my time while he is away, to doing some inner work. It has been quite the journey these 3 weeks past. I have been working on a few things simultaneously


    I have many issues that seem to be haunting me, things from my past that I cannot seem to let go of with any permanence. Hurts and petty occurrences that pop up, even after I thought I had laid them to rest. I am reading a few books to help me on my journey and they have been most illuminating. Facing issues squarely, taking responsibility for my part in these issues, forgiving all involved(including myself) then releasing it all to the universe. I have actually made progress (Yea me!) and I have a bit to go.


    Of course, still working on my own self acceptance and self worth(My ex being one of the issues I need to work on for all the emotional abuse he put me through). I am making progress (of which I am very proud..it has been a long, hard road!)


    Part of my inner work has been doing outer work(ie cleaning and organising like I never have before.)I have most of my closests done, my little apartment is just so pretty and cozy. A true sanctuary for me.(I am not dirty, but very messy...I was Oscar to my mama's Felix! )


    I have been cleaning and organising at work as well. *smiles* Mostly because I finally moved! HUZZAH!! I had so many years of accumulated paperwork (pack rat that I am), and as I moved from a place with 5 cabinets to a room with NO cabinets I had a TON of cleaning out to do!(I don't throw anything away at work in case some one needs it...I finally realised that if nobody had asked for anything from 1999 - 2004 they weren't going to, so I ditched it all! Boy...what a relief! However an even BIGGER relief is not having to deal with the she beast any more! I can't tell you what a wonderful day I had today, my first full day in my new office. What a pleasure it was, I just can't tell you!


    Another thing I have been dealing with is finances. *chuckles* And who hasn't? It has really cost me several nights sleep and the stress from worrying about them was making me ill again. One night about a week and a half ago, I was wrestling with it again, and all of a sudden, out of absolute no where, a thought came to me. I have the money for everything I need. Maybe not for what I want, but for what I need. I have enough money to meet my bills and for the couple of little things I allow myself(Like my internet connection and Net flix.) I am very blessed in this respect and as such...I need to bless my finances instead of worrying so much about them. the moment I thought through this idea, I felt as if a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I had THE best night's sleep that I have had in forever and have slept very well ever since.


    I told some friends about my epiphany and I got two differing ideas regarding from whence this idea came. One friend said it came from whatever deity I believe in, be it God, Goddess or the Universe. Another dear friend told me that my attitude is shifting as I work through things. I think it is a combination of both. I wasn't asking for help as I was trying to work through it myself, feeling like a dog chasing it's tail....this circular way of thinking wasn't getting me anywhere. Then BOOM! it came out of the blue clear sky,


    I had to laugh tonight as I REALLY read a horoscope for myself dated about a month ago, that I have posted on my bulletin board, as it was so very right on this time! It says:


    "Why keep pushing yourself so hard, when what you really crave is within? Start working on your sense of self~acceptance before anything else. Move gently. Soon you'll see corresponding shifts in your outward life."


    So life has been good lately despite missing my ent so much.With my new view on things, I had what I needed to get my car fixed, so I am mobile again! HUZZAH! It is soo cool not to be stressing over things as much. Not to mention, I am watching less TV, which is not hard as everything is in reruns and I don't have cable. I was able to get to the pool today for some much needed peaceful, quiet, alone time and exercise,(people let their children run crazy at our pool...running, screaming, yelling and jumping. I love children, but I will not go to the pool when there are people there.Therefore I don't go often!) Also, now that I have my little car back, I can go to the park and start walking in the evenings after work. Baby step improvements...in a few important areas. Life really is good!


    Love, Light and Laughter!
    Ame