July 11, 2004
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It was a a long week, for more reasons than one. I knew anxiousness for my trip to see *J* and *D* would make the week seem interminable and had hoped for some distractions to keep my mind off my impatience. Please…Please…Please…be careful what you hope for!!!
Tuesday at lunch I noticed I was having trouble with my left eye, it wasn’t in sync with my right eye when I looked up and to the right. It hurt and I could feel it! I had a headache and whilst waiting for the bus I had a very strong attack of vertigo, the first attack in such a long time. Wednesday, the problem was worse and I made an appointment for the ophthalmologist the following day.
I was poked and prodded and blinded and answered innumerable questions and when all was said and done, the doctor said I had swelling of the upper muscle and tendon in my eye and would need to see a neuro- ophthalmologist the next day to figure out why. She gave me steroids to try and bring the swelling down and help my eyes get back into sync.
Soooooo…after being poked and prodded and really truly blinded (How I hated having my eyes dilated for the second time in as many days and having the doctor shine magnified bright lights for minutes at a time in my poor defenseless eyes!!) and answering more questions, he was no closer to an answer. I was told I would have to have a MRI of the brain as soon as possible to determine why I had the inflammation.
As I made my way home, I tried very hard not to worry …If you know me at all you know how laughable this statement is! I had a momentary, though full blown, panic attack as I imagined every possible horrible thing that could be or go wrong! During this whole time I only wished for one thing…that *D* and *J* were here with me.
As our relationship has developed I have found myself more and more wishing we were together now, which of course I expected. I knew it would get harder the closer we became, but at a time like this, it is awful. Whenever something happens, good or bad, my first thought is to share it with them. To hear their voices calms me and can make me smile no matter how bad I am feeling. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship where I feel safe. It is a wonderful feeling.
I had the MRI and everything is normal (HA! Me normal????? *LOL*)....so...here I am. I gues we will see what we will see. *NOTE* I NEVER want to have anothe MRI as long as I live. I am so claustraphobic it isn't funny. The Head MRI tech stayed in with me and held my legs so I knew I was not alone. She put a cloth over my eyes to help me while inside the machine. Between the noise and closed in feeling I was a hair's breadth away from full blown panic! But I muddled through and I am...*giggles* Normal.
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I attended a birthday party for two of my favorite people in my guild. While I was surrounded by people whom I love and adore, people who are closer to me than my own family, I felt alone. I got my hugs and cuddles and a little visiting, but all I wanted was my *J* and *D* to be there. Would it sound strange if I said I felt incomplete? It’s not that I wanted them hanging on me the whole time, but to know they were there, occasionally happening to catch their eyes across the yard and smile, feeling as if I had just been hugged. Silly, isn’t it?
This is very odd for me, as I never felt this way when married to *M*. I attended functions, went to parties and meetings with out him. Sometimes I would miss him, usually not and I would have a wonderful time. When he was at parties with me (especially later in our marriage), he would hang around, drinking himself silly, only occasionally seeking me out. Aside from the occasional peck on the cheek, and a quick squeeze on arm, he was not very forthcoming with PDA’s.
Now with his new fiancée, he is totally opposite, hanging all over her, always within calling distance, kissing and hugging and flirting as if there was no tomorrow. Things he never did with me or for me. I try very hard not to mind, truly I do. But there are small moments(and they are getting fewer and far between) when I have to wonder if it was me… was there something wrong with me? It hurts when I see them together. It shouldn’t !!!!!!!! I don’t love the man…don’t want the man….Sheesh…The man is a full blown obnoxious alcoholic for pity sake. Why does it bother me so much????????
Sorry, did not mean to go on a rant. I often think I am over the hurt, it has been two years. Two very happy, fulfilling years of self-discovery. My journey has been filled with joy. Now I am in a new exciting relationship with two people who are making a home in my heart. *smiles*
The future is ours to do with as we please. To make it our own. Yes, it is a New World for me…for us. Yes, we have a lot to learn of each other and from each other. Trial and error, laughter, occasional misunderstandings and disagreements, shared dreams, hard work and lots and lots of love. I look forward to all of it.
Amethyst
AKA Angel Brat
