Well, midsummer maddness has decended and I have completely cut off my hair...all of it. I also coloured it a light golden brown. I kinda like it...and to continue the maddness...I need to get my tattoo(s) and consider getting contacts! SO THERE!     

Happy Friday all you dear people!  Have a wonderful weekend and please remember to do at least one thing that brings you joy!

Amethyst

How cool is this!  *Smiles* 

It is 101 degrees and 9:30 at night! What is WRONG with this picture? *sighs* I have been on much due to my stupid computer, but I have read a couple of blogs (I have not stayed on long enuf to post a hello, I read as much as I can before the little pain in my tush freezes). 

Sarah and Avis...Goddess bless you both. One day at a time is all you can do. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Peace and happiness to both of you and your families.

Cat, your Dawg sounds wonderful. I hope your beautiful granddaughter is doing well (If I don't have her name in front of me I will misspell it...*smiles*)

Dearest Dread....You are something else again and I missed you muchly. I will try and stop again'puter willing) to say hello.

Love you all so much!
Amethyst

It was a a long week, for more reasons than one. I knew anxiousness for my trip to see *J* and *D* would make the week seem interminable and had hoped for some distractions to keep my mind off my impatience. Please…Please…Please…be careful what you hope for!!!

Tuesday at lunch I noticed I was having trouble with my left eye, it wasn’t in sync with my right eye when I looked up and to the right. It hurt and I could feel it! I had a headache and whilst waiting for the bus I had a very strong attack of vertigo, the first attack in such a long time. Wednesday, the problem was worse and I made an appointment for the ophthalmologist the following day.

I was poked and prodded and blinded and answered innumerable questions and when all was said and done, the doctor said I had swelling of the upper muscle and tendon in my eye and would need to see a neuro- ophthalmologist the next day to figure out why. She gave me steroids to try and bring the swelling down and help my eyes get back into sync.

Soooooo…after being poked and prodded and really truly blinded (How I hated having my eyes dilated for the second time in as many days and having the doctor shine magnified bright lights for minutes at a time in my poor defenseless eyes!!) and answering more questions, he was no closer to an answer. I was told I would have to have a MRI of the brain as soon as possible to determine why I had the inflammation.

As I made my way home, I tried very hard not to worry …If you know me at all you know how laughable this statement is! I had a momentary, though full blown, panic attack as I imagined every possible horrible thing that could be or go wrong! During this whole time I only wished for one thing…that *D* and *J* were here with me.

As our relationship has developed I have found myself more and more wishing we were together now, which of course I expected. I knew it would get harder the closer we became, but at a time like this, it is awful. Whenever something happens, good or bad, my first thought is to share it with them. To hear their voices calms me and can make me smile no matter how bad I am feeling. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship where I feel safe. It is a wonderful feeling.

I had the MRI and everything is normal (HA! Me normal????? *LOL*)....so...here I am. I gues we will see what we will see. *NOTE* I NEVER want to have anothe MRI as long as I live. I am so claustraphobic it isn't funny. The Head MRI tech stayed in with me and held my legs so I knew I was not alone. She put a cloth over my eyes to help me while inside the machine. Between the noise and closed in feeling I was a hair's breadth away from full blown panic! But I muddled through and I am...*giggles* Normal. 

* * * * *

 I attended a birthday party for two of my favorite people in my guild. While I was surrounded by people whom I love and adore, people who are closer to me than my own family, I felt alone. I got my hugs and cuddles and a little visiting, but all I wanted was my *J* and *D* to be there. Would it sound strange if I said I felt incomplete? It’s not that I wanted them hanging on me the whole time, but to know they were there, occasionally happening to catch their eyes across the yard and smile, feeling as if I had just been hugged. Silly, isn’t it?

This is very odd for me, as I never felt this way when married to *M*. I attended functions, went to parties and meetings with out him. Sometimes I would miss him, usually not and I would have a wonderful time. When he was at parties with me (especially later in our marriage), he would hang around, drinking himself silly, only occasionally seeking me out. Aside from the occasional peck on the cheek, and a quick squeeze on arm, he was not very forthcoming with PDA’s.

Now with his new fiancée, he is totally opposite, hanging all over her, always within calling distance, kissing and hugging and flirting as if there was no tomorrow. Things he never did with me or for me. I try very hard not to mind, truly I do. But there are small moments(and they are getting fewer and far between) when I have to wonder if it was me… was there something wrong with me? It hurts when I see them together. It shouldn’t !!!!!!!! I don’t love the man…don’t want the man….Sheesh…The man is a full blown obnoxious alcoholic for pity sake. Why does it bother me so much????????

Sorry, did not mean to go on a rant. I often think I am over the hurt, it has been two years. Two very happy, fulfilling years of self-discovery. My journey has been filled with joy. Now I am in a new exciting relationship with two people who are making a home in my heart. *smiles*

The future is ours to do with as we please. To make it our own. Yes, it is a New World for me…for us. Yes, we have a lot to learn of each other and from each other. Trial and error, laughter, occasional misunderstandings and disagreements, shared dreams, hard work and lots and lots of love. I look forward to all of it.

Amethyst

AKA Angel Brat  

Well, it has been a while....a lot has happened. *smiles* My life has taken a decidely different turn since Faire has ended.   

This new relationship of mine…how exciting ~ scary ~ exhilarating! I am breathless with the wonder of it! How on earth did I come to be at this particular point in my life?

In retrospect, I had finally reached that point in my life, wherein I was ready to stop. Stop worrying, stop looking, stop wishing. I was comfortable with the thought of living my life alone. Time for me to grow, to explore, to search for my bliss, and decide what I want to be when I grow up. *Grin* Heck…decide if I even wanted to grow up! I was learning to find the joy again in being alone, to find the joy in life period. I was happy. I had my friends, my family, my hobbies, and my spiritual path and all the time I wanted and needed to enjoy all of these things. (Besides, deep in my heart I knew that when the time was right and if it was to be, I would find someone or they would find me…I just had to stop trying so hard and enjoy the journey)

Little did I know as I willingly closed the window on this part of my life, that a door would quite unexpectedly open! I mean, who would have thought it? Certainly not I!! Years of preparing, wishing, praying and waiting to be part of someone’s life, to find a home, a haven in someone’s heart. To be a friend, partner and lover with a special someone. Then to wait and watch as all my friends (not to mention my sisters) married and have families of their own and not have that dream for myself.

I had one false start. Thank the Lord and Lady for my intuition and feelings, weak though they sometimes seem. When he proposed and I said yes, I literally went dark. I knew deep in my heart it was not right and after two weeks, broke the engagement. I later learned, that he had badly abused his first wife. "Learn to trust the Force, Amethyst!" *LOL*

Several years later, when I was happy with my life and not looking, along came *M*. I was in love for the first time in my life. Every silly cliché was evident in my life. He proposed and I said yes and there was no darkness. Only light and laughter ~ I was certain I had found someone to love and share my whole life with, how wonderful was that?

I worked so hard on my marriage. I fought for years to make it work. *M* is an alcoholic and in a short time (although I denied it for a very long time) all my hopes and dreams were tucked away, deep and dark never to see the light of day again. I was deeply wounded and after he asked for the divorce, I vowed never to give my heart away again.

*Smiles*

Silly…Silly me.

I am one who believes in love, believes that there is not just "one" person for everyone, believes that in order to find someone to share my heart and life with, I have to put my heart out there. I have to take risks…and I did. Because, what if, the one time I was too afraid to risk my heart and I kept it walled up…I missed a great love, if not THE great love in my life? How tragic would that be? I was never what was known as a hopeless romantic….I have always been and will always be a Hope*full romantic.

As a side note to my marriage and divorce from *M*…I HAD to be married to him and divorced from him in order to be where and more importantly who I am today. It was a gift most precious and I am grateful for it.

I met *J* and *D* three years ago at Faire, very shortly after I was separated from *M*. I was experiencing faire as a single wench for the first time and enjoying it very much! *Giggles* At that time, I got to know *J* first and we talked liked we had been friends forever. We spent a lot of time talking about what was going on in both of our lives. My adventures being single and her new life with *D* and how they were looking for a second husband. She told me about the poly lifestyle the very first time we spoke together and I immediately began to research it and learn as much as I could. I loved the idea and it seemed very natural to me.

We kept in touch via email when not at faire and there was a time *J* and I lost touch for a while due to various and assorted reasons. We found each other this past March and began to get reacquainted over the run of faire. It was during this time I began to get to know *D* better and then somewhere along the line something just clicked!

I have rambled on for long enough…and yet more thoughts chase around my mind like a host of rainbow colored butterflies, flitting from idea to idea. Thank the stars for journals, for I have a place for the butterflies to alight.

Love, Light and Laughter,

Amethyst