June 27, 2001

  • Part 3...( I need to write this, please be patient with the length!)


    ...Is actually a continuation of the last entry. I really need to touch on the spiritual aspect of my early life, because it had a profound influence on the rest of my life. Actually, it is all due to my mama. My mother was a very tolerant person. She was very liberal for one of her generation. As I may have stated before, she gifted my siblings and myself with the most incredible, sublime gift a mother could give her children...the freedom to choose. The freedom to choose who our friends were, the freedom to grow-up and choose what we want to do with our lives, and for me...looking back now...perhaps the most important choice...the freedom to choose what path to follow.


    Because of this, I visited churches of many faiths as I was growing up. I was, from a very young age very spiritual. When I was younger I classified being religious and spiritual as the same thing. If there was anyone of my friends or spiritual leaders who knew the difference, they never told me. It was not until I was much older that I learned the difference.


    I went to Catholic churches, Baptist churches, Southern Baptist churches, and while I learned a great deal, nothing caught my heart and soul. Finally, when I was seventeen, a dear friend of mine, asked me if I wanted to go to church with she and her family. I said sure, and I did. It was very different from all the other churches I had been to in the years I had been searching. People were very friendly and they didn't expect me to know everything, like so many other churches I had been to. It was the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-Day Saints (Mormons). I took the missionary lessons and was baptized.


    My darling mama shook her head **Remember, Mama called me her special child, and Mormonism was not considered mainstream religion...She should see me now ** and gave me big hugs and told me that as long as I was happy, she was happy for me. I felt as if I belonged and quickly ensconced my self into an active, busy, and somewhat happy way of life.


    I was active! I taught the children for many, many years and sang in the choir. I went to young adult and singles dances as I got older. I did everything I could to be the good Mormon girl. I planned on waiting to marry a returned Missionary and raise a large family(which had been my dream since I was little girl...to raise a large family that is!). I went to Sunday school and Relief society.


    The only real thing I had a problem with was preaching the gospel to others. Because of my upbringing and belief that it is a persons choice to believe in what they will, it was VERY difficult for me to talk to others about the church. At least in a preachy way. If people had questions, I could talk for hours about my church.but not to try to convert someone. How presumptuous!


    So, I was not in any way shape or form in the frame of mind to be a missionary. One of the reasons why was because every church I had ever been to, claimed to be the only true church! Mormons teach that there is truth in all religions, they just have the all of the truth. It bothered me just a bit...okay alot and I couldn't reconcile my heart to what I had been taught. 


    The older I got the more restless I got, especially when I passed my 21st birthday, my 25th birthday and there were no marriage prospects. I was engaged to a man for a short while when I was 28, but ended that very quickly for reasons I will discuss when I get to that point in my story. Suffice it to say, I found as I got older that for whatever reason, I was not what a returned missionary wanted in a wife and I gave up at the age of 34ish looking to get married....to anybody!


    Lo and Behold...into my life beams Michael...NOT a member of the church! And go figure...he falls in love with me(and I with him).  We moved in together{GASP!} and I married him 6 months after that.  He was my first in every way. I could not believe God would condemn me for loving someone, whether a Mormon or not. Love is such a precious gift and difficult at times to find...and I had become uncomfortable with so much in the church, I became less active. Actually, I had been called the most liberal Mormon most people have ever met...I have  close friends of all faiths, I have close friends who are gay...I have close friends who are different from the "norm"...well guess what...SO AM I!!!! but I digress! My world was expanding and no longer felt comfortable in my little niche.


    Michael was studying Paganism and I discovered many of my friend are Pagan. In an effort to understand what their beliefs are and always looking forward to learning something new, I began studying Paganism in general. Somewhere along the line and it happened VERY quickly, the journey became my own and I have been on my path for 2 years now.  Never has my heart and soul been bonded together in song like this!. Never has truth washed over me in gentle waves and at times like a hurricane. This ...This is what I have been searching for all my life...I wish I had found it sooner, but a voice inside me assures me that I wa not ready until now!


    Please don't get me wrong, The church was what I needed at that time in my life...especially since they teach there is a Mother in Heaven as well as a Father in Heaven. It seemed quite the natural step (for me anyway), up to this point in my life. Imagine, a Goddess! How wonderful! How sublime....how "right' it is to me. The Lady and the Lord...balance...the way it should be.


    So...excuse my long windedness...I didn't realize there was so much that needed to be written about this! It was going to be a relatively short discourse!


    Bright Blessings,


    Amethyst